Mansion House Counselling Practice

“Co-dependency is not about a relationship with an addict, it is the absence of relationship with self” - Terry Kellogg


The word “co-dependency” first came into the treatment arena in the early seventies and is still used today to describe a variety of behaviours.

Originally the word was used to describe a person whose life was affected as a result of their involvement with an addict. This person was seen as having developed an unhealthy pattern of coping as a way of dealing with someone else’s drug or alcohol problem. It was felt that they had become co-dependent or co-alcoholic as a result of living with an alcoholic.

Melody Beattie, who has written several books on co-dependency defines a co-dependent person as: “one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior”.

Sound familiar? How many times have you worried, fretted, or obsessed over someone's behavior when you logically knew that you had no control over it? How many times have you wondered “if only they would behave in a certain way, then everything would be perfect?”

It is very difficult to step outside of our own worries and look at the things that we have control of, and let go of the things that we cannot control. We typically want things to be going well, and agonize over how we can make those things happen.

The co-dependent is typically a caretaker. They take on the burden of being responsible for other people's happiness, emotions, feelings, actions, choices, and behaviors. They feel extreme guilt or anxiety when others have problems that they cannot solve. They often find themselves saying “yes” to requests when they would prefer to say “no”. They feel safest when they are giving to others, they try to please others instead of themselves, and they always find it easier to display anger when an injustice has been committed against someone else, instead of when it has been committed against them. They may become bored or restless with their life if they are not involved in some type of crisis or feel as if they need to create a crisis when things settle down in their life. They blame others for the spot they are in, and believe deep down inside that other people are somehow responsible for them. They often believe that other people are making them “crazy” and feel angry and unappreciated for all that they are trying to do.

Co-dependents spend a great deal of time in denial. They ignore their problems or try to pretend they are not really happening. They stay overly busy so they don’t have to slow down long enough to think about their situation. They find that they are sick often and the doctor may not be able to find anything physically wrong with them.

The road to recovery can be frightening for some co-dependents. They fear losing control, but have to learn to be responsible for themselves. The process involves learning to accept love and to fully give it in return. Recovery allows patients to take care of themselves in order that there is something left to give to others. This process involves learning about self-care.

Self-care may involve working with a therapist and learning new ways of coping. The following are some areas they may work on:

Learning to “unattach” yourself from a negative relationship or way of interacting.

Learning not to over-react to every incident in life.

Learning to set yourself free and give up some of the control that you think you must have in order to be happy.

Learning to see yourself as a survivor, and not a victim.

Learning to live without being dependent upon someone else, and how they are behaving.

Learning to accept yourself for who you are. You can accept your own feelings and thoughts.

Learning to deal with your anger in a positive manner.

Learning to communicate with others in an assertive manner by making sure that your rights are defended.